I really dislike it when I have nothing to do. I can always think of a million things I need to do when I'm busy but the instant I have free time it all rushes out of my head. I sit around and day dream a lot which is not at all productive. But it leads me to have interesting conversations with myself. Example:

"What is that?"
"I don't know, it looks like some sort of weird brown fuzzy grape."
"I wonder what it's doing in the library, you aren't supposed to eat in here."
"It looks like it's been there for a while. Someone probably snuck some food in."
"Did it just move?"
"Oh hey, they have a collected works of Poe on that shelf."
"Poe is a bit depressing."
"But Awesome."
"Indeed."

These little conversations do well in amusing me for about a nano second because that is how long it takes for them to rush through my brain. I seem to run at hyper speed lately. And at the same time I'm stuck in slow-mo. I feel like I'm waiting for some cataclysmic event to push me out of whatever hole I'm stuck in.

This kind of mood always seems to over take me this time of year. It might have something to do with now being the time when I realize I haven't yet done anything to achieve my New Year's resolutions (which are always the same every year, by the way). A sickness of some sort always tries to take over my body this time of year as well. I seem to sleep more, but feel more tired.

And then there are the cliche woes this month brings. Valentine's day is a source of great annoyance to me. It seems like everywhere I look there is some sign advertising some sort of Val-o-crap or another. I have yet to see a Valentine's day when I was with a someone. And this makes me feel ... sucktastic. I know I could use valentine's day to show my love for my friends and such and I do but they are usually of with their someones or busy with family. It points out the two things in my life that I am most upset about. My family relationships and my friendships. A new New Year's resolution would be to rectify those relationships. But, like I previously stated, me and resolutions don't really stick. Motivation seems to be lacking in my life right now. My mindset at the moment just won't seem to switch to "let's get 'er done" mode.

It's cold and rainy and, while I like cold and rainy, it is also ugly out. Everything is still mostly dead and the landscape is like a gang rape to the eyeballs. The cold beauty that is winter has melted away and what's left is just a puddle of muddy filth and decay. Nature is usually a comfort to me but it is this time of year that I notice all the trash on the street and the oil spots in the road and the shredded tires in the ditch because there is nothing else to look at. Anger is an emotion that I am becoming very familiar with, especially on my journey's outside my house. Usually, Anger serves as a motivating factor but I'm so lethargic and apathetic right now that it's just an annoyance. While I still go through the trash cans in my classrooms and sort out the recycleables it seems that now I'm just doing it out of habit rather than passion.

My passions are hibernating. I haven't been painting lately and my drawings have been mediocre and bland. I haven't even enjoyed listening to music or playing video games lately. I haven't danced or jogged. I only do yoga because it's one of my credit classes.

I want it to be March.